A Latte, Grains, and One Instagram Post Later

I rewrote this piece many times. The first time I wrote it, I was definitely on my way to writing an academic paper. The second time, it was so boring I deleted it and demanded I start over. The third time, it wasn’t authentic enough, it was as if I could see through my own words. So here I go again…

It is August and it is specifically 7 am, as I sit at my office desk writing this piece. You of course, will be reading this at a later time or even the next day. I often have to steal moments at night or in the morning, like now, to write, because life doesn’t give me any other time. I’m drinking a green tea latte with almond milk, because as much as I hate to admit it, I’m without a doubt, lactose intolerant. The past few days my body has been on a strike (against me) because I keep feeding myself the worst food possible. So the almond milk in the latte is my apology to my body, it’s my way of saying I hear you.

You may wonder why I’m rambling about my latte, my body, and the bad food I put in it, but I promise you I have a point.

A few months ago, I was on Instagram and a woman I follow went on a long rant about how people shouldn’t blame her for criticizing her own body, because everyone is not perfect and is allowed to have insecurities. And that she was able to be an ambassador of the body positive movement because everyone can do that, so it was upsetting that people commented on her thin able body and acted as if that meant she couldn’t uplift others. Her words made sense to me, but also rubbed me the wrong way. I hated that she was upset at people for pointing out the obvious, which is yes, she had a freaking amazing body! And when I say amazing, I mean she is fit, curvy, and thin in just the right places! Her body is the ideal body in this time and age. It upset me that she could not acknowledge that, while also championing the body positive movement.

I wondered why something on Instagram bothered me so much, and then later on that day I realized that part of me saw myself in her. I was hardcore projecting. I mean I still believe she was a bit insensitive to people who don’t have socially acceptable bodies, but I decided to do some inward thinking.

Before I get to my thoughts, let’s fast forward to this past weekend. I went to brunch with my family, with the knowledge that I would wear a swimsuit later on that day. So, I ate a healthy lunch consisting of grains and and greens. Don’t get me wrong, the grain bowl was good as hell, but I wanted a burger. Yet, I was so conscious about the majority of my body being revealed later on that day, I stopped myself from enjoying food. Which is very sad because I loooooove food.

In conjunction with my inner thoughts about food and my body, the news has been focused on the Popeye’s chicken sandwich, which sold out nationally last night. I have a lot of feelings about food and the way it plays in our daily lives politically and socially. Where you get your food from, the way you eat it, the setting in which you eat it, all political I promise. The cultural impact of black Americans has always been astounding, enough to boost the income of a nationwide franchise and sell out chicken sandwiches that were supposed to last until October! Yet, so many people online were shaming black people for being so into the sandwich. The politics of food often play out in racial and classist moments like this.

Long story short, food has been on my mind recently.

I thought back to the Instagram situation of a few months prior and realized that I disliked what this woman said, because I was just like her. If you ask anyone to describe my body, they would use the same adjectives I used above when describing her (well it depends who you ask). When I’ve complained about my body to others or even to myself aloud, people correctly tell me that I have an acceptable body and it is great, so what am I complaining about? Yet, I get a tiny bit annoyed because it’s my freaking body and if I want to have a pity party, let me do it in peace!

Now we can talk about my inward thinking. Here is my attempt to do what I wished that woman did on Instagram a few months ago:

I’m a thin, able bodied young woman with a body that allows me to enter spaces in society without shame or a need to protect myself. I can find clothes that fit me just fine, without being delegated to a section of a store with limited options. I can over eat and even at my biggest, I’m still very thin. My eating choices are not criticized based on how I look, even when they are pretty poor choices. No one shames me for wearing revealing clothing and my dating options are pretty open. When I do not work out for months (as in right now), no one notices the extra five pounds I put on my body. My body affords me privilege in ways I have yet to fully understand. And if I ever at one point in my life am no longer thin, that will be okay, because my whole identity is not tied to how my body looks.

Yet,

Society has made me and many other women (and all genders) be conscious of the way our body looks. Every ad, show, very thin model, and movie is targeted towards women. The diet industry makes millions of dollars every year based of the capitalistic nature of women’s insecurities. When I look at my thin body, I’m trained by the media, my inner critic, my family’s comments about their bodies, and the politics around food to think that there is something wrong with my body. That is because each flaw I see influences how I spend my money in this country. If I see that I’m fat, I go buy a gym membership, or buy a juice cleanse because it said I would lose three pounds in one week. This stuff goes beyond just your thought process, these are systemic ideals that have been protected in many forms in our society.

So yes, I’m allowed to have a pity party, but it’s also my responsibility to acknowledge my privilege while simultaneously finding ways to break these habits we are all taught.

Simply put, I will have the almond milk latte now, but if I want a burger, I should eat a damn burger.