What Does Credibility Look Like?
From the moment I watched Dr. Christine Blasey Ford come across my computer screen, I knew this would be a historic day. But as I sat there, I wondered how many more historic days would occur at the expense of women? Are the past few centuries just the start of the agony that women will continue to face at the expense of patriarchy, toxic masculinity, and the men (and women) that perpetuate those ideals? The answer to that question is impossible to know at this moment, but despite my desk of piling work and the mental agony I knew I would face, I sat there and watched Dr. Ford prepare to speak. I felt her anxiety, and saw her practicing the deep breaths that I do sometimes before a big moment in my life. I empathized, but I know that sitting in front of older white men to discuss a traumatic event that happened to me, is not something I’ve had to prepare for. I, like many women across this country, sat there scared for her, but also incredibly proud of her and what she was about to do.
Before I go into my distinct feelings throughout the day, I will tell you that first and foremost I believe women when they say they have been sexually assaulted. I believe women. I believe Dr. Ford and her testimony against Judge Brett Kavanaugh. I believe Anita Hill. So many women are not believed by every corner of this justice system and in their own worlds. I will spare you the long tangent I can go on about how most women never come forward about their attacks, most do not press charges, and a very large percent of them who do come forward are not lying. That information is available online.
Dr. Ford’s opening statement was powerful and took true bravery. I teared up when her voice cracked and I could see her reliving her trauma as the minutes moved forward. When Rachel Mitchell, the outside prosecutor, started asking questions, I became infuriated that Dr. Ford was asked questions that genuinely insulted her intelligence. I saw this defense try to poke holes in her testimony, but she stood strong in her statements. I watched as she broke down while the democrats thanked her for her bravery. I watched as she said sorry a few times and nervously laughed, making the room chuckle. She was likable. I watched as she told the Senate committee that she just wanted to answer their questions. I saw how nervous she was, and how she needed breaks and supportive words from her lawyers. In short, I saw just how fragile this whole situation has made her. And my heart broke for her, but there was this feeling in the back of my mind that I couldn’t shake.
In the weeks since these accusations have been made, there have been countless comparisons between Dr. Ford and Professor Anita Hill, who made a testimony against Clarence Thomas for sexual assault. He too was a nominee for the Supreme Court and like Dr. Ford, Professor Hill felt it was her civic duty to say something about the abuse she endured. Professor Hill was asked endless questions by an all white male committee and was not made to be credible. She was painted as a scorned woman and disregarded at every moment. So as I sat and watched Dr. Ford, as a woman, I was so incredibly proud, but as a black woman, I knew her credibility was based on her whiteness. Because whiteness and fragility on women has always been seen as something that needs protection. So I know that when Dr. Ford cried, when she apologized, nervously laughed, and pushed her blond hair out of her face, she was seen as human and as someone who was deeply affected by this event. Professor Hill did not get the same treatment. After Ford’s testimony, countless commentators spoke on how credible she was and how much emotion she showed. They said she seemed human and real. One commentator said that the reason Dr. Ford was believed is because she was more vulnerable and not strong and poised like Professor Anita Hill.
There it was. That nagging feeling I had all day. Christine Blasey Ford was believed not just because she should be, but because of the type of woman she is. A white, well off, and educated woman, who is deserving of protection and justice. Anita Hill, a black woman who showed control over her emotions her entire testimony was not credible. The moment the commentator uttered that statement, I was reminded of how policed black women are in their lives. If we show too much emotion, we are belligerent and unstable. If we are strong and poised we are not capable of being attacked or worthy of being protected. Black women and white women are held to different standards in this country and that has been the case for many centuries.
I sat there watching Dr. Ford testify and I was in awe of her strength. I commended her bravery and I stand with her. I believe her and want her voice to stop at least one more predatory man from holding power. I hope she gets some semblance of justice.
Being a black woman is being incredibly proud of Dr. Ford and understanding what it means to feel unsafe with men who have no regard for you. Being a black woman is checking in on your friends who are sexual assault survivors and making sure they are okay. Being a black woman is providing yourself some time to decompress from the fact that we live in a country that doesn’t care about us. Being a black woman is knowing Dr. Ford has a chance of being a believed and knowing that if it were you up there, you wouldn’t get that same chance.
See, we already know what happens to black women when they testify, just look at what happened 27 years ago.
