The Normality of Relationships

His name was Jaquan. My first boyfriend. We were in the first grade and he debuted his affection for me by kicking me in the head. It was then, that I would first hear that when little boys are mean or hit you, it’s because they like you. My mother was furious, but Jaquan simply had a crush on me, his mom said. I was smart and pretty. After the kick, I decided to be his friend, because I was nice and wanted to forgive him. But our romance was short-lived, when in the second grade, he asked me to be his pretend wife and pretend mommy to our pretend kids.  At seven years old, I knew we were moving fast in this relationship, so I said no to starting a fake family. He yelled at me about it, almost forced me to agree. I stood my ground. He left me, for a girl who would start a pretend family with him. Then he told me as we started third grade, that he still liked me. I laughed.

Fast forward to the present and I have been listening to Jay Z’s new album 4:44 released last Friday. I love music, so I have been devouring it. Musically speaking, it has great production, intricate lyrics, and minimal features allowing the listener to be captivated by Jay. As far as his message, he touches on financial literacy in the black community, the rap community, and his relationship with his talented wife, Beyoncé Knowles. I wanted to focus on the relationship aspect. As I listened to Jay talk about his wrong doings as a husband, and how the stress led to Bey’s miscarriages, and distrust in him, I sat there annoyed. I loved the music, but I despised how a 47-year-old man was now being applauded for getting his act together. I could only imagine the loss and turmoil Beyoncé went through for his eventual growth. As I sat there, I wondered if she too, was told as a child that a boy being mean to you meant he liked you. I started thinking about how many women were still encountering this, a man being mean to her, for the sake of a love that she just had to wait on. I thought about how older black women would tell me that I had to just wait for the young men around me to leave their childish phase and eventually commit to me. I thought about how I was told by the media that if I stood by a man through all of his shit, he would eventually choose me. My waiting and endurance would be rewarded. That if I sacrificed facets of myself, he would fill my emptiness. But then, I thought about those men, who did choose those girls who stood by them, and still secretly wished for more. Wished for the girl who walked away. It didn't make any sense to them or me. 

So as I listened to Jay’s album, I looked around and saw that the literal kick I got when six years old was still figuratively being handed out. Only thing was, the stakes were higher now. Women were losing themselves in order to help a man find himself. Sure Jay and Beyonce’s story worked out, but I’d be damned if I stayed in a situation that gave me so much grief, I lost life.

Media, family, and society told me these toxic relationships were normal. Its okay to endure physical or mental, or emotional abuse for the sake of love. Its okay to lower your standards because time is running out and you don’t want to be old and single. Its okay to watch a man get with so many women, while you stand on the side proving your loyalty. Its okay for a woman to use guilt trips and traps to get a man to stay with her. I thought about how men would be mean to me, and how I took that as a sign to leave, but women would tell me it just meant he cared.  

I thought about the boy in high school who called me all the time, asking where I was and ignoring my requests for space. I remembered how when I complained, my friends told me they wished a boy cared about them as much as he did for me. But I knew it was wrong. I knew he didn't fully care about me, he was trying to control me.

I thought about how that lack of respect stemmed from the fact that many of these men were little boys who showed affection through violence or insults. These boys were never corrected, or told to channel their emotions and process them in a healthy manner. They grew into men who couldn’t tell a woman that they loved her or men who chose women they didn’t want for the sake of their egos. These men would always eventually hurt the people they touched, as their emotions tornadoed out, causing destruction.

To be honest, I don’t think its as hard as society makes it out to be. Sure every relationship has its ups and downs, but the toxicity that is normalized is not okay. In the words of Nayyirrah Waheed, a poet:

“I want more men
with flowers falling from their skin
more water in their eyes
more tremble in their hands
more women in their hearts

than on their bodies

more softness in their height
more honesty in their voice more wonder
more humility in their eyes.”

I want more softness. I want it to be despicable that a 47-year-old man has finally learned how to treat his wife correctly. I want less kicks being doled out and more discussions. The inherent meanness, the stunting of emotions, all to be able to say I have a partner has never been a goal of mine. I’m willing to support and love someone, but I’m never willing to give someone the ability to kick me. I will always be the one who walks away. Maybe that means I never get my 4:44 album, or my man who finally decides I have proven my worth. Maybe I don’t get the likes on the pictures or people saying I’m relationship goals. Maybe I don't get the relationship. 

But lets be real, I don't want it, if it means I have to keep getting kicked. 

I’ve always dreamt of a relationship so healthy and at ease, people would notice. A relationship in which no one had more power over the other; we were equally moved by the way the other moves and speaks. A relationship in which fights were fought fairly without the use of guilt, talks were had regularly, and silence was a peaceful occasion. I have seen some good relationships in my life, but for the most part, I see people squeezing themselves into molds not made for them. Not me. 

I'll live my life, and if love comes ready for me, I will make room for it, in whatever fashion it appears. 

Listen to 4:44, its a great album. My favorite song is Family Feud. Beyonce is on it, singing her heart out.

At least we have that.