Writing With Anxiety

You ever have a thought and then it spirals into 30 thoughts that have their own subset of thoughts? 

Yeah....

It happens to me all the time. My ability to think quickly is truly one my greatest attributes, but it's also one of my downfalls. 

I overthink. A lot.  

Overthinking is my close enemy. I hate it, but it happens all the time. It goes like this: 

"Does my hair look good? I did brush it this morning. Now I wish it looked differently. Omg look at  that one strand! Fuck it's going to look like this until I get home, because I didn't bring any hair products with me. Can everyone see this one strand? *internal chuckle* Girl, no one is thinking of you! Oh wait, that person just looked above my eyes...are they looking at my hair?" 

Now I know a lot of us think like this, but when you overthink often, it can affect more than just your hair. 

I was on Twitter the other day and someone described anxiety as a feeling that makes you think you aren't enough. Anxiety is of course way more complex than that simple description, but it made me think. As someone who overthinks a lot, and has been known to get really anxious at times, feeling like I'm not enough is the perfect way to describe my feelings when anxious. 

Sophomore year of college I took a statistics class, and I kind of got the hang of it. At times I was really good at it, but the day of my final, I was in my room an hour before my exam. I was stressing out, looking at my notes, and having an anxiety attack. I called my mother about 30 minutes before the exam started and began to cry on the phone. She told me in way better words than I'm about to write, that basically I needed to stop letting my fears overtake me, because then I really was going to fail the exam. 

See that's the thing about anxiety, you can never tell if it's the reason for your failures, or if you were right in thinking you were going to fail. Don't worry, I didn't fail that class, but anxiety is something that has been around for a while in my life. 

When I think about it, anxiety was present in every math class I had from sophomore year of high school into college. If I am being completely honest, anxiety helped me passed a few classes because the idea of not graduating college...was anxiety inducing. 

So it's not all bad, because it helps drive my need for success. But now that I no longer have deadlines, or a degree to attain, anxiety has found a way to not be as motivating. 

I love writing, but at times I wonder if there is any more that needs to be said. Do I have any more ideas? Anxiety is probably the reason why I every once in a blue moon, get a writer's block that lasts more than a week. But like I wrote in my post last week, there is so much power in speaking. My method is writing. If I don't continue to write and push myself, well then what use is my gift? 

Luckily, I have people who remind me of my talent. (Shoutout to my momma and my readers!) Some of you don't even know how you ease my anxiety when you say you like my writing or that you read every week. 

I'm realizing that often times my doubts have no validity. 

There is no way people don't want to hear my voice. There is no way I'm not good at this. There is no way I will not get better. There is no way that I won't succeed. 

But anxiety is always at work. I'm worried you won't like this piece, but I'm still publishing it. Because what validity does the thought that people won't like it have in my life? This is my voice and it deserves an outlet.  

Instead of working against my anxiety, I'm going to examine it. Break it down. Stop it in its tracks. Kind of like when my mom asks me a question and then says "Don't overthink." It's a reminder to stop and chill. Take a deep breath and then keep going. I'm going to write with my anxiety, because as much as it's a burden, it makes me a great writer. 

If it wasn't for anxiety and a true love of writing, how else would I write every week? There are a thousand ideas in this head of mine! 

Thanks for reading and see you next week!